4/21/2014

Today was probably the most incredible day. It was incredibly scary, weird, overwhelming and beautiful. Anxiety has been running rampant in my heart, mind and soul. I haven’t been able to get ahold of it but for a moment today, I believe I did. I went to work for an hour and left because the anxiety was so bad. I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart is racing faster than I can explain.  I came home knowing I needed to just be in the presence of Jesus. I feel like I need a lot more of this in front of Jesus time. I was able to read some good stuff on grief and how to work through it. Losing my GG this winter has been the hardest loss for me and has just thrown me over the edge. My heart hurts more than I can even begin to explain and my world feels like it has completely fallen apart without her here. She was the only person holding our family together. On top of losing her, my family has fallen apart and I have no reason to want to be with/or talk with them anymore. That’s painful in and of it and I’m trying to deal with that too. I am learning that regardless of how much my heart hurts or how many tears I shed or how awesome a day might be, I still have to breathe through it all. For so long I have chosen to not breathe through it all and just stuff it down, deep down. I figured eventually the pain would become a vapor and just disappear. WRONG! It actually gets worse before better. But back to today. God is completely incredible and I just need to be in His respite care. Today for the very first time in a long time I felt ok to be me. It was ok for me to do nothing but listen to worship music, to read and to just cry. I refused to let myself wipe away the tears because I didn’t want to push them away; I just needed to let them fall. It was ok for me to just put my head back and close my eyes and just… breathe. I didn’t have to do anything for anyone. I just had to be in the presence of God and breathe. I fell asleep in the arms of Jesus today and it felt so good not to have to worry about my mind going in a thousand directions as it seems to do the moment I wake up in the morning. It was an incredible time that I am not sure I have given a beautiful enough description but it was sweet. I am looking forward to my time in NH and hoping for more respite, tears and healing….and maybe some more just breathing time. One of the Grief books I read through today it talks about having “Safe People,” ones you can be with and feel no pressure and that they don’t feel compelled to “fix you.” I am 100% certain that God has put a few select people in my life to be “Safe People.” 

The Struggle:

When you live life as a lie but know The Ultimate Truth.

           

This is my life to a tee. I didn’t really know how to begin or what to share but I know I need to share my heart and be real, to take off the leather layers and get to the raw flesh of life. There’s something freeing about sharing your deep deep pain, how bizarre. To be real or not to be real? It’s a lot easier to just stuff the pains of life down into the depths where no one can see.  I think ultimately this causes more damage and doesn’t help others or yourself. This picture is me, my life, and all that I have believed. Some at the same time, some all at once, and I believe that someday I will be completely freed and will no longer be controlled by the lies.

          My Name is Regret! I’ve lived as Regret. I have days that I look back and regret not sharing my struggles. Not because I think I am great but because I know from hearing the hearts and lives of other people it has helped me in my journey. So I can’t help but think that my story would help someone. I live in regret that there have been days where God has not felt like enough for me. I have struggled with depression and instead of allowing God to heal me and use my story I chose to bottle things up inside. I wanted to let go of my inner pain and find relief but didn’t know how to share what was in the depths of me. And in the hiding I eventually had to release all the pain and hurt from life and I chose to release through cutting. I regret that I felt so bound in my own pain that I couldn’t share my heart. This one I believe I have overcome! I am no longer Regret!  

          My Name is Defeat! Defeated! Defeating!  I feel defeated by Self-Image. I battle with self-image on a daily basis and think that I am incomplete. I am ugly and I am not beautiful. I have good days and bad days but I certainly struggle with finding my worth in something other than my hair style, my size and shape. It’s a huge struggle!  I’ve allowed it to defeat me through several days, months & years. And in my most defeated days I choose to just eat through the struggle; ultimately I’ve made myself feel worse in the end. I am Defeat.

          My Name is Loser! I have freely used this word toward myself and other people. Joking or not it certainly hasn’t been helpful for building me or others up. I’ve believed another lie. I feel like a Loser because I haven’t made anything of myself. I haven’t gone to college or pursued any one thing. I don’t have my own place to live. I haven’t gotten married and had children, something I have wanted for a long time but it hasn’t been part of my journey…loser!  All things that I quickly relate to the horrible five letter word L-O-S-E-R!  I am Loser.

          My Name is Mistake. I’ve made a lot of those in my days. More so I have felt like a Mistake. I have lived the last 7+ years feeling like I am a mistake because of choices my earthly dad has made. 7 years and the wounds are still deep. My earthly dad decided he no longer loved my mom. It couldn’t just be simple; it caused separation several times because of adultery. Whether you are 2 years old or 32 years old it hurts your heart more than your parents will ever know. No time is the right time for adultery and it never is easy. I understand commitment, I understand love and I understand marriage is forever. I don’t understand adultery, I don’t understand falling out of love, and I certainly don’t understand divorce and separation. Where does my feeling like a Mistake come into play? Right here. I feel like my earthly dad never really wanted me. He decided to love another woman and her children instead of my mom and ultimately instead of me. He tried to hide it from us for who knows how long. It all leads me to believe he never really loved my mom therefore he never really cared about me either. It still hurts too much to really share the deep pains! I am sure you get it.  I am Mistake.

          I am Forgotten. I feel forgotten by God. I feel like He forgot my plan, my ideas, my journey that I wanted to travel. I wanted to be a Mom, a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to be the care-taker of my children and the lover of my husband. That’s the life I had all picked out for me from the time I was a small child until now really. I didn’t want the life of feeling lonely on a daily basis. I didn’t want to be insecure, homeless, and feeling hopeless. Where is God in all of this?? Why has He Forgotten Me?!?! I am Forgotten.

  

          Hello My Name is Child of The One True King! The very name I should always bank on, yet sometimes the tag gets covered over by my other names, the other names that should never be on top. As I peel off the leather layers and allow people into the depths of my pain with me I am slowly learning that this is the name to always claim and disregard the rest. This is the scariest of all because it means letting go of the lies and holding on to the truth. Believing a lie is easier sometimes than holding on for dear life to the Truth. I know that believing the lies will never set me free from the pain and the bondage of all the other names I have allowed myself to be tagged with. I want to be free, totally free of the struggle and to cover my name tags up one by one till I can completely receive this; Hello my name is: CHILD OF THE ONE TRUE KING!